Twenty Six Going on Five

It has been really windy in L.A. the past few days and as a result the stairwell in our office has turned into a wind tunnel.
I was walking down the stairs today and the wind was blowing my hair all over the place and I threw my hands out and pretended I was Storm from Xmen controlling the elements with my awesome powers.
We never really grow up, do we?

Nightmare: On the Big Screen

Could there possibly be two worse movies on the planet? And what are the odds that their posters would end up side by side.
Kenny Chesney in 3D and Babies.
They took my two least favorite things and put them into movies: country music and babies.
I hope each ticket comes with a complimentary barf bag.

In the Moment

I normally try to be really cognizant of the fact that my life is cooler than many people's I know and that I should appreciate it, in the moment, but sometimes I just waltz through it and stick to my routine of work, gym, food, sleep.
And sometimes I take a second to really soak it all in, last night being one of those times: I went to a Black Eyed Peas after party.
I drove downtown, found free parking, walked up to the VIP line where my fabulous friend had VIP wristbands for me, and rubbed elbows with LA's finest hipsters while will.i.am, apl.de.ap, and Taboo prepped to go on stage with LMFAO and perform.
Seriously?
Sometimes I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.
Also I would like to marry the robot man, if anyone knows him please pass along my phone number.

A Note on Therapy

This wooden companion has saved me thousands of dollars over the past eleven years.
Who knows how much therapy I would've needed had I not had this faithful friend to strum on whenever I had the blues.

Baby

Does anyone else think it's absolutely nuts that women can make people inside their bodies?
I mean seriously, think about it, we grow people.

Big Apple

My co-workers are in NY this week.
They went to the window to look out across the city and what did they see?
I roof jumper covered in a sheet on the sidewalk.
Oh New York, when will you learn to do your suicides the classy way: Indoors, with prescription pills like all the L.A. celebs.
Needless to say they're ready to come back to the land of silicone and anti-depressants.

A note on love

I have several weddings coming up within the next few and it got me thinking about marriage in general.
The US divorce rate is 50% for first time marriages.
FIFTY PERCENT!
That's insane.
That means out of 307 million people, let's say 65% get married...so 99,775,000 couples....49,887,500 of them woke up one day and decided they just couldn't make it work.
Holy crap.

For me I would have to think of the two people I love most on this planet (my sisters)...for 22 and 20 years of my life they have been the two people who make me laugh the hardest, who I trust 100%, whose phone calls I will ALWAYS answer, and who make me smile daily just by merely existing.
So, until I can find a man who can even come in a close third to measuring up to how much I adore them...I'll stay away from that pricey white dress and keep my tread off the aisle.

Good luck boys.

Two for the Price of One

I remember in college we had a soda/juice vending machine in the lobby. We would use it for mixers when we were just too lazy to get in the car and go to a grocery store (aka everyday).
There was one button on the machine that, if pushed just right, you could get two of the juices for 50 cents.
The double juice, of course, was the grossest one the machine had to offer...it was a weird cherry vanilla that I can still taste with my memory...along with the Popov vodka that was equivalent to rubbing alcohol.
The thing is, we would ALWAYS get it. Because the thought of getting two of the gross juices for the price of one good juice was just too awesome to pass up.
People are so weird.

Petting Zoo

My friend recently came out of the closet and wanted me to head out for a Saturday night at the gay bars to meet his new friends.
I had been to gay bars before, but it had been a while and I had forgotten how much fun they are!
I was in a giant club filled with 300+ gorgeous, built, shirtless men and about 5 women.
I got to dance on a stage and be told how fabulous I was by men who weren't trying to sleep with me.
I could look like a freak dancing around to Janet Jackson and it didn't matter because I didn't need to impress anyone.
But, at the same time, it's very strange...because these men don't look like a stereotypical gay man...they look like models, and the hot skateboarder you dated in college, and the computer nerd, and the tough cholo...and it throws you off every once in a while because you realize that you WON'T get hit on by these gorgeous men because they're hitting on each other...and it's trippy.
I think one of the most fun thing about the gay bar, from an observational standpoint, is that it's a giant, male petting zoo.
There are dancers on these platforms in little undies with six packs bopping around on poles...and for a dollar donation, you can go up and pet them. And you get a kiss on the cheek!
It's let when you go to a carnival and you buy a handful of feed for $1 and you get to pet the goats.
Amazing.
I think if I were out in a straight bar on a Saturday night and put a dollar in some random guy's pants and tried petting him, I would get kicked out of the bar...or a date for Sunday...maybe they're onto something.

Danger Zone

I was laying here watching "Hellboy" when I heard someone talking loudly outside.
It was a helicopter hovering above/next to my house saying "Sit down and stop running or we'll shoot...I repeat...Sit down and stop running or we'll shoot".
Awesome.
Although it is nice to know that the police are on top of it.

KTPA

California is the home of the vanity license plate.
I roll my eyes so many times while on the road that I get a headache because to me, a vanity plate screams "I'm a douche".
Typically, the plates spell out something that, after breaking out your Nancy Drew Decoder, you can read like "HOTMN1" is "hot man 1" (douche)
or SSYGRL is "sassy girl" (also a douche)
Today I came across a new breed of vanity plate which I will dub "the inside joke they want to share with EVERYBODY" or "Choice 1 was taken so I have to explain myself".
The plate said "KTPA" and I read it at first and thought "ok, that's better, at least they aren't telling other drivers how attractive they are or how sassy they are, it's an inside thing...fair enough"
THEN, I noticed they had taken a label maker and stuck the spelled out version AROUND the license plate
"Keeping The
Party Alive".
Wow.
Thank you sir, because I was worried that the party was dying and I felt an immediate sense of comfort knowing that it's still going on and that you, sir, in the mini van, are keeping it alive for the rest of us. Also, thank you for putting it on your license plate with the explanation because I had interpreted it as "Kevin Took Paste Away" and that didn't bring me as much happiness as knowing the party is still rockin'.