Fuck Off Chicken Salad

My life drama revolves around chicken salad.
The universe comes up with clever ways to screw us all every once in a while, be it law enforcement, heartbreak, or sandwiches.
Here are a few examples of my trials with chicken salad.

• September of 2001, I started my first week at a new college and we all decided to go downtown Boston to the fashion district and explore. Supposedly there was also a really great sandwich place in the area and I set my heart on chicken salad. Please keep in mind that I just met these people and am trying to make a good impression, and so we all skip and laugh down the street trying to find the place. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am a tyrant when I get hungry, and not just cranky sulking in a corner, but rather I adopt the look of a psycho with blood-lust and take out my anger on innocent bystanders. Well...we can't find it, and I am starting to get HUNGRY, and not only can we not find it but we can't find any restaurant...we somehow ended up in a neighborhood where everything closes before two pm on a Sunday, maybe we're in Spain. We finally find it after another 45 minutes and...it's closed. I want chicken salad so badly I am ready to seek out a live chicken and make it myself and I am getting annoyed. Since I'm the only one who seems to have an issue with being starving my new "friends" come up with a solution "let's go buy that two day old baguette from the seemingly homeless guy sitting against that brick wall. Umm...what? Old homeless bread? They hand it to me and I bash it against the wall in a fit of rage. Thanks chicken salad, thanks a lot.
• Flash forward to several years ago, I am out with my now ex-boyfriend (because he was a cheap homeless douchebag who made over 80K a year and lived in his 1994 Toyota 4 Runner and only ate spaghetti, not because of the story I am about to tell) and I want a chicken salad sandwich, I don't know why I want it, but I don't think it's a hefty request to make. Let me note that he is also a vegan, so talking him into going to a place where they serve a chicken, cut up and mushed into mayo put on bread took some work, but I figured no pain no gain, I'm getting my sandwich. We go to a sandwich shop I like...out of chicken salad. Umm, eff you guys. We go to another sandwich shop, 'we don't have chicken salad anymore'...eff you guys too. Third times a charm...nope, no chicken salad. I ended up eating tuna while crying in the car. This is becoming a trend.
• About a month ago, there is a little cafe in the next building over from my work and they make a good chicken salad on a croissant. I walk down with my co-workers, all excited for the buttery-croissant-meets-mayochicken-explosion...the fridge has no chicken salad sandwiches in it. Oh come on! "It's fine, we'll ask them to make us one" says my boss. "Excuse me, you're out of chicken salad in the fridge, can you please make us one?" "We ran out of croissants...and chicken salad". I ended up sulking over a grilled cheese.
• Today! I am sitting at my desk and I think "chicken salad on a croissant! there will be some left because 1/2 the company is out of the office!" I grab my cash and walk downstairs, outside in the rain, and...the cafe is closed.

My friend just IMs me and says "more chicken salad drama?"
Obviously those who know me are aware of the vendetta chicken salad has against me.

Screw you chicken salad! If you weren't so delicious I would just break up with you and move to tuna permanently instead of this love triangle we have going on, after all tuna has never left me crying in a car or scaring off potential friends, but no...I won't give up on you.