Tranny Child

I was on shutterfly putting together Nana's Xmas gift when I stumbled upon this lovely sample:

Please note that this is a picture of three young girls...and below them you will see their names.
Cynthia, Steve and Amanda.
I am guessing that what happened here is that Mommy and Daddy wanted 3 girls...they had a boy...named him Steve...but every year in June they want to relive their original dream so Steve puts on a wig and a dress.
I mean...the one in the middle does look a little...Steve-ish.
When I asked my sister 'what's wrong with this picture?'
she "What's wrong is that the child in the middle is a 30 year old man".
That about says it all.

Dating Woes

My friend on her recent poor-luck with men:

"I am not thinking about pie in the sky...i am dealing with 4s and 5s

Dude do i need to date a dwarf?"

Snarfity Snort

I was hanging out with my date Saturday night.
Something funny happened and I laughed so hard I snorted.
"ha ha ha *snort* ha ha oh crap! that did not happen!"
It was a 3rd date...so maybe I racked up enough cool points that we'll hang out again...or maybe I totally blew it with the snort.
I need to learn to tame that habit.

That's when the Dorks come out...

I met up with my friend Patrice to watch the football game and we went to a super townie bar where everyone is somehow an Eagles fan (so naturally I cheered on the Bears...conflict is my middle name).
So I am sitting there observing these people in their natural territory and realize how freaking weird people are.
Not the weird habits/likes/obsessions sort of weird but the 'no social skills because they rarely leave the house' weird.
Here's an example:
The bartender asks a guy what his tab is under...he gives his last name and then realizes that the name isn't on the card...so he proceeds to say "it's the red card".
Well, someone next to him decided that was the gateway to making a funny so he shouts "yes, the red card, put mine on the red card too...he he..he..he.." because that line is not overused at all, and I'm sitting there rolling my eyes at him knowing he's the kind of guy at a restaurant who, when the server comes up and says "Did someone here order a Blue Moon" he says "No but we'll take it" (yes, we've all done it) and then looks at everyone at his table and laughs hysterically and the server has to laugh too because even though she's heard it eight times that day already, she's working for tips...and laughing at dumb jokes = tips.
So anyway, I digress...back to the dude making the obvious unfunny joke
...so THEN this little creepy 4'9'' lady next to him with an Asian accent notices people laughing and she wants in on the deal. She starts shouting "the red card, ha ha ha, put mine on the red card, yeah! put mine on the red card!"(now reread with an Asian accent)...and then people just stopped laughing.
It's so hard watching people make a fool of themselves.
I get embarrassed for them.
And it's not even that I'm particularly cool or smooth but I try to stay away from the obvious train wrecks as much as I can.
Censoring oneself separates the true dorks from the village idiots.
Patrice texted me this morning with "Put mine on the red card."

You Nailed It

I remember in college, my friend Paul's thumbnail fell off in the pool...so I made him a prosthetic nail out of glue.
He wore it.
I just thought I would share that talent with the internet...prosthetic nail maker.
In case anyone is in need, they know where to get one.
There was also a guy in my dorm who decided to shave his legs up to just above the knee so it would look like he was wearing fuzzy shorts. He looked like a satyr.
I miss college.

Slacker!

I have been slacking on my blogging...but really the issue is that nothing funny has happened in the past week...nothing even interesting.
I am, however, newly obsessed with these four lads from the UK. And as of tomorrow I will have seen them 3 times in 2 weeks.
Did someone say...groupie?
But seriously, they rock. And this time next year I won't even be able to afford a ticket to their sold out giant arena...so the fact that currently they only cost $5 a show and I literally end up standing next to them in the club...is pretty sweet.

Viva Las Awesome Hotel Room

Vegas rocked. We stayed at the Wynn and I got the awesome room of white leather, red velvet and Picasso art while everyone else got...pink. That's what happens when you're really nice to the reception people, they give you the bomb-shizzle room.
Let's take a tour:

The view:

The amenities (shower cap, shave gel, mouth wash, q tips, cotton swabs, shoe shine, buff cloth, tooth brush, tooth paste, razor, shampoo, conditioner, 3 soaps, and lotion...I am stocked up)

The TV in my bathroom.

The vanity...where I was vain.

My Jacuzzi tub...where I watched TV.

The sitting area and bed:

The Art:

Ahhhh...that's how to do Vegas. The food and clubs were good too.

Sun Bather

This is freaking cute right? I get to pet this, daily, if I feed her...and if she feels like letting me. Jealous?

Jet Plane

I was out of town all week in Vegas so I have some updates coming soon...

I will leave you with this...we were leaving dinner Tuesday night and some old drunk man comes up in my face and goes "MY NAME IS MUUUUUUUUUD"

I screamed.

The Many Faces of Halloween

Here is the breakdown of my Halloween:

Friday at work I was Aunt Chris

Friday Night I was a Pirate

Saturday Night I was a Flapper.

I blocked out my eyes for anonymity but the giant teeth probably give me away.

Elevator Music

I think an elevator is one of the most awkward places.
You're in this small space with strangers and everyone is trying so hard to look busy without being awkward because the thought of having to acknowledge one another is too stressful to bear.
So instead we read the little safety certificate or check our phones that have no service or watch the numbers climb until we reach our floor and can bolt out of there.
But every once in a while someone you sort of know is in the elevator and you have to say something because otherwise it's rude and the result is always super awkward.
Here is a conversation I overheard this morning between two guys:
"Good Morning"
"Hi"
"That meeting yesterday was really good"
"Yeah it was pretty good"
"Yeah it was probably good because I was on the outside, not directly involved"
"Yeah...because if you're involved it's... different"
"Yeah..."
"Yeah..."
AWKWARD!
So next time you're in an elevator convo, keep it as uncomfortable as possible; comment on the weather, how the weekend was, and throw in tons of pauses and staring at the floor until you hear the *ding* for your floor and can bolt out of there.
It's at least entertaining for those of us "not directly involved"

P P P Poker Face P P Poker Face

Party # 2 on Halloween. A man dressed as Lady Gaga, it was spot on.
He even shaved his legs and wore heels the ENTIRE night.
Now THAT is commitment.

Oscar

This is my godson Oscar.
Ever since his balls got cut off he has been asking for Prada and Jimmy Choo.
His mother encourages him to be himself so for Halloween this year he got a pink purse.
For his birthday I will get him a male stripper.