Best Line Ever

The best line I have received from online dating:
"Wanna go halfsies on a baby?"

He later wanted to describe his genitals to me, so that conversation didn't last, but A for effort.

Douche Files Round 2

I was talking to another guy from online dating, he seemed a little pushy but I said "ok" to a phone convo anyway because he was interesting.
Three things that I discovered:
1) He is MUCH older than me, 2) He is intense, 3) He is boring as hell
I ended the phone conversation (and I use the term "conversation" loosely because it was me sitting there for twenty minutes listening while he listed things in life he likes to do 'go to the hills with my dog...pause...walk on the beach...pause...take baths with rose petals...pause...' it was like some sort of bad personal ad) with an "okay I'm going to go now, bye".
Luckily he took the hint and didn't call again.
Or so I thought...three weeks later I get this text-versation:
"Come grab a glass of wine with me"
"Who is this?"
"(insert name here)"
Me trying to be nice:
"Oh...I really didn't think we hit it off, I'm sure you're a nice guy, I'm just not into it"
"Well you're still single aren't you? Maybe you should stop being so picky"
WHOA buddy, calm.yo'self.
"Well I'm young so not worried AT ALL about the single thing, so I'm going to keep being picky"
"Stop being such a Jewish Princess brat and come have a glass of wine with me"
First of all, being a psycho name-caller is not making me jump out of my seat to meet someone, Second of all- I'm not Jewish...but I don't feel like arguing with this loser and egging him on so...
"No thanks, definitely not into it, please stop contacting me"
"Ugh you're SO Jewish, laters"

Again, I'm not Jewish.
And even if I was, not sure why that was supposed to be insulting.

Give Me Sugar

I am a dessert whore.
I will love you long time for a brownie sundae.
Dessert makes me happy and I am typically okay with my lack of self control around anything containing sugar (i.e. there are 5 types of pastries on that tray, I should try all 5 because what if one is better than the others and I choose the wrong one? The world will end!!).
Recently though, I have taken a month off from my strict gym regimen and have not taken the same amount of time off from the dessert binge and therefore am noticing that my stomach is not as flat as it used to be and sucking in is proving to be more and more difficult.
Starting yesterday I went back to the gym and put myself on a "stop being such a pig" diet that consists of making healthier choices and lots of cardio (the main reason is the cute boy coming to visit me at the end of the month).
The issue: I am in full fledge PMS mode
The solution: Yoplait Light Fat Free yogurts.
Seriously, I know commercials lie but this one is "fo rizzle" (or, the real deal if you don't speak Snoop Dog). The Apple Turnover has chunks of apples and the Raspberry Cheesecake tastes enough like it to trick your tongue into thinking it's misbehaving.
Just thought I'd share my new find.

UPDATE: Don't get coffee flavored. Blech. Tastes like rotten milk in coffee.

Raised by Idiots?

I decided, several weeks ago, to bite the bullet and join the world of online dating.
I made a profile, put up some pictures, and holy crap the vultures descended.
Seriously, I think I'm a good looking human but there must be some hags on that site because within three days I had about 20 emails or IMs.
There were some really unattractive men (one looked like Carrot Top's less attractive brother...if you can even imagine that) but for the most part I was swapping emails with about eight good looking, funny guys.
Then the nutjobs descended.
Let me bestow on you an example from the "douche files".
Mekhah, I remember the name because I had to type it in several places to block him from ever contacting me again.
One day he IMed me and struck up conversation, I was only on the site to respond to someone else's email but I was friendly and said hello back, then nicely told him I was signing off to get back to work.
He proceeded to 1) add me as a favorite, 2) send me a wink, 3) send me a message saying he would like to get to know me better.
Eeeh, starting to get a little intense.
I sign on later that day and boom boom boom IMs, "Hey beautiful" "how are you?" "how's your day, you have to let me take you out to dinner"
I respond, "Wow you're kind of intense" then sign off.
Two days later he starts IMing me "You're rude, you're ignoring me, what a b*&ch, you know you look cute in your one picture but you look old in the rest, are you 60?"
Let it be noted this guy looks like a black Uncle Fester.
And he continues to insult me, which I really don't care because, again, Uncle Fester.
So I respond "listen, I'm not into you, definitely not now that you're insulting me to ease your bruised ego please never talk to me again"
He starts sending more insults until I successfully block him.
Good Luck to the girl who gets suckered into dating him.

Still, the good outweigh the bad...so I keep on truckin'

Flopsy

Since the beginning of the SPAM mail time-line; they have targeted men with tiny wangs and erectile dysfunction.
"Grow a larger penis: click here"
"SBHDUerection BIG BIG JIODH"
"Women laughing at your size? You'll show them"
etc.
I am a female and yet my Junk Mailbox is filled daily with promises of a bigger johnson or a pill that will help me impress the ladies.
Obviously they are targeting the wrong person, but it makes me wonder: After 15+ years of the same SPAM message, are people still falling for this?
Are you men that desperate?
Can you hackers/virusers/spammers please get a little more creative?

Things That Make You Go 'Hmmmm'

What's wrong with this picture?
Where is AT?

Crave

My new lipgloss titled "Crave" taste a little like those blue things you hook on the inside of your toilet bowl.
Not that I chew on them or anything, but you know how smells get into your nose and hits your tongue and you think "so THAT'S what a skunks ass tastes like"

Muscles

I went to an event last night and there was an interlude where this woman climbed a pole that reached the top of the Staples Center and did these crazy contortionist things on it.
The woman held her entire body parallel to the ground 100 ft below her using only her armpit.
HER ARMPIT, PEOPLE!
Do you know what that means? That woman's armpit is stronger than my entire body.
Time to get back to the gym.

Frites

Today my office smells overwhelmingly like McDonald's french fries.
Blech.

Bardot

Last night I was at "Bardot Sessions" in Hollywood, where a bunch of random, amazing musicians get up and perform (many unknown).
It was an open roof room with couches surrounding a tiny stage and it was packed, people sitting inlaps, on the floor, on the stage. There were hipsters, trendsters, models, celebrities, publicists, children of celebrities, and the rest of us all crowded around to listen to amazing music.
At one point they played "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire and the second it began the entire room started singing, all together as one, completely tuned into the music.
It was one of my favorite moments of the year.
It was glorious.

Fort

I remember in grade school when I used to build a fort on my desk using folders.
I would have three walls and cubicle myself in and I remember feeling SO cool because I had all of this privacy and it was my space and it was AWESOME.
Now I have a cubicle with three walls and I'm thinking I should have pushed a bunch of desks up to a window to emulate a corner office.
Case in point; dream bigger kids.