Bad Blogger

I've been playing the role of "bad blogger" lately.
Normally, finding material to blab about is relatively easy because something weird seems to happen on a daily basis...but lately life has been curiously...normal.
I'm in that two week phase that happens once every 5 months where it's my "turn" to be hit on by many men at the same time and try and play the texting game with all of them at once until, two weeks from now, *Poof* they're gone.
This weekend I had a cold, so I kept it "men free"...I went to the aquarium, slept 14 hours, went to the museum to see the Renoir exhibit, and then cleaned my room.
BORING.
But don't worry, I'm sure there will be fun filled stories of weird dates in the future.

Stay tuned...

Highlight

Is it sad that the highlight of my week is that my house now has a dryer?
I go look at it every day to make sure it's still there, it's glorious.
No more drying clothes in the guest room that takes 2 days!
Whoo hoo!

Wake Up Call

I was woken up at 4 a.m. by a cat yelling at the foot of my bed.
"MMRRROOOOWWWRR!!!!"
"Holy crap! Who is dying?"
"MMMRRRRROOOWWWWRRR!!"
"Oh, good morning to you too cow beast"
Thinking she wants to go outside, I get up and follow her...to the food bowl.
THE FOOD BOWL.
She sits there, looks at me "meow", looks at the bowl (which has food IN IT already) "meow", looks at me, then at the fridge, then at me "meow meow".
I look at her...have a stare down for a minute while wearing a mad face (which is really hard to do because she's so cute, even when she's evil)
"Really Mini? REALLY? This is why you woke me up? Food? You're such an a-hole"
I turned around, shut my door and went back to bed.
Next time i'm keeping a spray bottle next to me for mornings like this so she'll go bug Uncle J instead.

Shin Splints & Sharpies

Sunday, I helped my friend move out of her apartment.
3 Pick up trucks, 10 people, and a box of Krispy Kremes later we completed the move in one trip and decided to celebrate with lunch at a local watering hole.
The bar was only about 11 blocks away and it was 75 degrees outside so I suggested walking but half of the crew wanted to drive...so I jokingly started running.
I began to slow down when my competitive friend (the same one who holds "bar olympics" every weekend) started running too...and since neither of us wanted to lose to the other...we ran all 11 blocks.
She was wearing shorts and running shoes...so she didn't look that odd except for holding a purse.
I was wearing jeans, Vans slip on shoes, a zip up hoodie, and holding a purse...so I looked like I was running FROM something rather than TO something...or like I just stole the purse from an old lady.
Needless to say the Vans slip-ons and concrete mix left me with a horrible case of shin splints (ones that I am still feeling two days later...but I won the race! And winning is awesome.)

Now for part II...
I have one comfortable pair of work heels...they're my Aldo mary janes, and since Aldo has a tendency to overcharge for crap quality shoes, I shouldn't have been surprised when the black on the heel started chipping off to reveal a beige cardboard.
Classy.
I woke up today and my shins still feel like they were subjected to torture (aka running on concrete to a bar while wearing non running shoes) I decided to wear the mary janes...but I needed a way to make them look like new again...and voila...a sharpie!
I spent several minutes this morning coloring in the heels with a black sharpie.
Later I will put on a tube top and Lucite pumps, jump in the pick up and go shopping at Wal-Mart.
Sharpie- a poor girl's shoe polish.

Barney the Friendly Dinosaur

XXI came out with a new line of active wear yesterday and I just happened to be in the market for a few items since most of my gym clothes are full of holes and make me look like a homeless person.
The best part is that it's all super cheap (most things $10 or less) and the bester part (yeah I know, not a word, suck it) is that I had a gift card for $49.47!
So I bought 4 sports bras to replace my 4 that were once white and tight and are now greyish and falling apart at the seams (not like I need the support but we can pretend). I also bought 2 pair of pants and 2 shirts all for $65!

Enough about my super awesome bargain shopping, back to the story.
So...I wear the purple pants to the gym...and they're tight and cute and I am ready to rock it out.
I do some lifting...then I go onto the rowing machine...then end on the stair master...about 10 minutes into it I am SWEATING.
I look down and the purple pants are showing the sweat...especially in the bikini area...and the buttox region...aka I look like I peed myself.
Now, this is L.A. we're not in Kentucky where people go to the gym to work out, we're in the entertainment capital of the world where people go to the gym so that other people can watch them work out...so of course people notice when your once light purple pants are now dark purple in areas that can only be a result of losing bodily functions.

Did I get strange looks? Yes.
Did I continue my workout? Yes.
Did I take the sweat from my arms and rub it over OTHER areas of my pants so that it looked like I was actually sweating instead of peeing? Yes, yes I did.
Then I ran into the locker room, wrapped a shirt around my waste and walked to my car without making eye contact.

Tomorrow the 80 year old with fresh implants will probably have a boob fall out during "downward facing dog" and my purple pants will be forgotten.

Purple pants, you have been demoted to pajamas.

Ummm...huh?

Conversation over IM with my friend:

me: it's like a Nuts & Bolts party @ the bar on Saturday PM

not sure what that means

friend: I like balls

me: ha ha ha what?

friend: i dont know

I am hyped up on chocolate and sprite

I love my friends.

Woof

It smells like puppy breath in my office right now.
Unfortunately, the office is not filled with puppies.

Connect the Dots. La La La La!

I ended up hanging out with the 24 year old, from the previous post, several times and things were cool.
I nicknamed him Pee Wee...as in Herman...because he looked the tiniest bit like him. I'm guessing it taps into my childhood happiness of watching Pee Wee's playhouse and now in my older age I find him endearing for some insane reason. I suppose he was the only childhood figure that would make sense to have a subconscious crush on since Mr. Rogers was too old and the rest of the potentials were Muppets.
Back to the story:
He was a little on the "needy" side...wanting to hang out all of the time, but compared to the guys that call once every few weeks when it's convenient for them; the neediness was almost welcomed...
...until Thursday night when I received the below slew of texts:

12:46am "Any desire to pick me up?"
12:54am "If you wanna come get me you should..."
1:07am "Come get me"
1:35am "Can I come over?"
1:39am "Too many people, Imemme take a cab to your house..."
1:40am "Can I come over?"
1:41 am "Can I come over?"
2:01 am- Phone call

All of which I ignored. My friend called it "tourettes texting"
Several more "clingy" immature happenings occurred similar to the above and I decided to cut ties with a very blunt
"Goodluck with life, you won't be hearing from me again"

Next!

Under, Over, Through

When I was in preschool and kindergarten I ate lunch by myself under a table.

I would also only eat the top aka "trees" of broccoli.

I just thought you would like to analyze me based on my childhood behavior.

Unorthadox

I went on a date to a Japanese restaurant on Sunday.
Since I don't eat sushi but am willing to at least try (thanks to my mom's 'You have to try everything once and if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it again' house rule repeating itself in my head) I had him order but I insisted on no miso soup.

When he asked me why no miso I replied "Because it tastes like diapers".

Now most women follow a strict set of first date rules where you time everything down to a science of how long you make them wait until you come out of the house, certain conversation topics that are okay and certain topics that are not, manners, what to wear, laughing at their jokes.
I take 90% of it and step on it. I've reached the point where I have good manners and am good at conversation, but I don't like keeping people waiting, I inhale my food, I use sarcasm in place of laughter and I don't hold back on analogies no matter how odd.

I compared a food to a diaper and let the freak flag fly freely and we're hanging out again tonight.

See ladies?
Be yourself.

Monsters Under the Bed

Does this woman scare the crap out of anyone else?
I find her to be terrifying.

Beware the Jabberwock!

We have had Mini for about four years now and decided, after being bit by the heifer more times than we care to count, that we should bring her in for her shots.
We went to Target, bought her a soft kitty carrier, planned out the vaccination day, and woke up early (9 am on a Saturday, eek the horror) to bring the rabid monster to get injected.
Now, I wasn't expecting it to be an easy task, getting her into the carrier, but I didn't realize it would be impossible.

Try 1 Plan:
I hold open the bag, prep to zipper, J picks her up and puts her inside.
Try 1 Result:
As soon as her head was in that thing she flipped the eff out and used all her power to get out of that torture device.
Mini 1, Us 0

Try 2 Plan:
Zip it up 1/2 way and I would quickly zip it.
Try 2 Result:
Smart kitty, she's catching on and she'll be damned if she makes it in there without some bloodshed. I get snagged in the finger by her talons.
Mini 2, Us 0

Try 3 Plan:
Wrap her in a towel to cover the claws, then throw her in the bag. No more Ms. Nice Pet Owner
Try 3 Result:
J got a snag on his palm and Mini keeps running away, then coming back full or piss & vinegar with a "I DARE YOU to try it again beotch" look on her face.
Mini 3, Us 0

Last resort:
Bribe her with her food bowl in the bag, seeing as she's a cow and her entire existence revolves around feeding time.
Last resort result:
She sniffed it, looked at us, turned her back on the whole situation, and then went to groom herself.
Mini 4, Us 0

We didn't get to the vet.

I must say, in her honor, she didn't try to bite us or scratch us, we merely got in the way of her desperate fighting to not go in the bag, had this been a year ago she would've slit our throats and eaten us as Meow Mix for the next week.

For the next hour she sat there looking at us with this expression that was a mix of confused and betrayed as if saying "Why are you trying to force me into that awful little bag? All I ever did was love you, I don't understand".
Seriously, that was the face, I wish I had taken a picture.
Cats are so manipulative. We spent the rest of the day giving her pets and hugs like we did something terrible to her by trying to keep her alive and healthy.
Suckers.
Little does she know we're trying again on 2/7 and next time it's a plastic carrier with a door.
Bring it Mini. Game on.