Hippies

For two years I dated a guy that lived in his truck...
yeah...

...cheers to good judgment...

Unidentified ...WTF

I was sitting at my desk today, running my hands through my hair as usual...
when I felt something suspect, an odd texture...

what...is...that? It's...wirey...my hair is soft and silky...

wtf?

is that?...ugh...no...is that...a PUBE?

I had someone else's pube in my hair. I have no idea where/whom it came from, but I think I might go throw up now.

Yummy Yummy

Last night I was the one to decide what we should eat for dinner...

...most people (depicted by a paper bag on head) would choose chicken...

...or cow (with leprosy, delicious)...

I chose yak.

and it was delicious. The end.

Anger Management

When I get mad, I want to punch things.
Since I don't think jail (or the hospital) is the right fit for me, I will draw myself punching things instead.
Like...

...a brick wall...

...babies...

...my computer that is super fast but still NOT FAST ENOUGH!...

...without a prop I look like I'm acting out a song...

First

My First Birthday.

Saleswoman

Once upon a time I was an only child for the first five years of my life.

It was awesome, I had a pile of Barbies, presents all the time, and best of all...I was the center of Mom & Dad's universe.

Then one day the news came...there was a bun in the oven.

A big, doughey bun with cartoon bunny eyes that was going to want to play with all of my toys...

'Why mess with perfection?', I thought.
Already presents were flowing in without my name on them.
It was like some evil parallel universe where an evil, mean villain was stealing everything away without even existing...and me...the poor princess Catherine had to live life with only twenty Barbies in their two story hotel.

It was even worse when she arrived. Something cuter than me was dwelling in the house. Somehow this creature made sleeping look adorable.
I had enough.

Caroline was sleeping peacefully...

...with my toys. And as I stared into her death-trap baby butt bubble chubby cheeks...

...a brilliant plan was hatched.
A plan that was not only good for me, but for the neighborhood.

The neighbors didn't see how great of a deal was just presented to them...they also called my parents.

Luckily...
we lived happily ever after.

Love

Thank you for the best week.

Woah...hot.

This is how I feel right now after having three of the craziest work days ever.
I'm pretty sure my face is melting...brain matter might also be seeping out of my ears...
stay tuned.

Adventures in Babysitting

I used to babysit for two boys that lived a few houses away from us. They were pretty well behaved...

...but they were still boys, and boys like to break things while screaming and running into walls causing bruises and dents in walls.

I was used to my two little sisters, whose idea of a good time was finding leaves in the backyard to trace onto paper while sipping quietly from a juice box.

I had to get creative here...I was tired of the sing-a-long videos (I swear we watched the same two videos, twice a day, for months on end)...anything involving paint or food was destined for disaster...

...I needed something to exhaust them, without killing them or burning the house down...

Then I saw it...the "best idea ever" was slowly forming in my brain and I went to work...

They had a "playroom" in the basement that was full of toys, thousands of toys, and costumes, and a jungle gym...and most importantly; this glorious creation:

I became Pigaro!
The opera singing Pig/Girl/Robin Hood character that had to be caught by the resourceful Knights in order to get a snack.
We spent that entire afternoon running around in circles singing "Pigaro!" (to the tune of Figaro) until they were exhausted.
Pigaro made several more appearances during my babysitting career, until they realized how annoying he/she/it was, and then we went back to throwing food around and breaking things and watching sing-a-long videos.
It was fun while it lasted.

Why I hate math

I have never been great at math, and so in high school I decided to take initiative and ask for a little after-school help with Algebra (even though the teacher looked like Droopy Dog and smelled like potpourri).
She agreed, and I left that day feeling all proud and hoping that I made progress with the teacher liking me because she was sort of mean but really LOVED this one kid, Ryan, because he always asked for help.
The next day I get there and she has a complete melt down, essentially blaming me if her mother dies.
Math and I never attempted to reconcile after that, I went into Statistics (a step below Algebra) and stayed there in college for a semester.

Friendship

This is what happens when you try to befriend your neighbors by letting your baby have fun bath time with their baby.
I poohed.
Our friendship ended there.

Ponies

My first experience riding a horse.

Buffet

Chinese food buffets are one of the things that make me skip in public.
Harry Potter slankets also have a similar effect.
When I was a kid, we used to go to Hunan New Taste, and it was the best Chinese food on the planet and I could sit there and gorge myself on MSG and sodium until I was on the verge of vomiting and then top it off with almond tofu (which was gross but I thought white jello was awesome).
Imperial Garden in Phoenix, AZ comes in close second.

A Weekend in Arizona

I spent the weekend in Arizona with Nicole at her and her husband's home.
It was a much needed escape from L.A. and it just reinforces the fact that my college friends, no matter how far we live from each other or how little we talk, are irreplaceable.
It's always amazing to be with someone who has been with you through the best of times and the worst of times, and still sticks around.
I was greeted at the airport by Nicole and her puppy Bella.
Surprisingly my albino self didn't even get a sunburn at the pool! Yay me!
We went out that night in her hometown, grabbed the best dinner ever and then decided to stop into the town casino, since neither of us have ever been.
Let me paint an image of the casino for you: probably the size of a Radio Shack, filled with old people, old chain-smoking people, obsessively pumping twenties into the machines hoping to hear that *ping ping ping* that means they won SOMETHING. We were clearly out of place, (under the age of 65 and dressed up for a night on the town).
We sit at two machines, I put in a $10 (i'm cheap) she put in a $20 (more daring). I win $7 and then lose it, then I hear a *ping ping ping*...$100...$200...$350. Nicole won $350, she looks at me, I look at her, she says "cash out and leave?" "yup"
and we walk out of there...$350 richer in less than 10 minutes.
I found a piece of art I want.
It's expensive.
I could probably fly to France for the price, but it's one of those pieces that if I don't have it my soul might get eaten by zombies.
Turquoise zombies.
We spent a blur of a night out in downtown Prescott. I danced with a cowboy. He was wearing all denim and a hat and called me "ma'am". I was wearing a short black dress and 5" stilettos...people stared as he flung me and my chicken legs around the dance floor.
I decided that cowboys weren't for me and we all went to In N Out burger instead.
The weekend was amazing, but I think the highlight was the Chinese Food buffet we went to right before the airport.
I love you Chinese Food buffet.

PMS & Balls

Internet Dating

I would like to share with you my artistic rendition of Internet dating.

These disasters all occurred over the summer of 2010.

The first date looked cute in his photo, artsy, very sarcastic...when I met him he all of a sudden has this unexpected beard...and walked with a limp. We also had nothing in common, he was "in between jobs" and broke, and I'm pretty sure he pulled his "date outfit" from the bottom of the hamper.

The second date was tall and thin, which I like, except he was thinner than me...which I previously thought was impossible since you can see the outline of every bone in my body. He also did a gay impression that left me questioning his sexuality. The two...make that...three low-lights of the date? Mentioning that he was broke at least five times...and when he texted a "friend" to set up a date for the next day. That was considerate. AND he fell asleep during the movie.

The third date was a nice guy, he actually got a second date to which he wore the same outfit that he sported on the first date. He was also broke, and a vegan, and I could see a trend forming since that was the exact same person I had dated for two years (except he wasn't broke, just the King of Cheap).

The third date went well, we had sushi (I hate sushi but I pretended with the help of water and breathing through my mouth). I actually let this one kiss me...and while it was happening all I could think about was my old dog Sam licking my face.
Humans shouldn't kiss like that.

The last date (actually second to last but the one I went on this week hasn't failed...yet...) showed up at the coffee place with a wrinkled T-shirt and cargo shorts...and flip flops. He lived with his mom, his dad pays his phone bill, and he doesn't have texting because it's an extra $5, and apparently that's too much to handle.

I forgot to draw the karaoke guy that I wrote about in a previous post...here he is:
Moral of the story:
Only Internet date if you want ridiculous stories.
These boys are not keepers.