Swoosh

I stole his soul with my camera.
It's nice to know amidst the crack whores and garbage laden street corners of NY; hot men are a universal commodity.

Bleeding Heart

This is Tike.
She's a wild fox that lives outside my Dad's GF's house in Connecticut.
She has mange.
My Dad imports mange medicine from Illinois (not sure why Connecticut doesn't have mange medicine) and inserts it in hamburger meat to help save the fox.

This is Pierre (aka Skippy).
He is a squirrel that lives at my house.
He has fleas, and the appetite of a horse (please note the piece of cat food in his little hands).
We feed him, Mini, Mini's son Kinko, Penny the Possum, and recently two domesticated bunnies that randomly showed up on our front yard to snack on the two blades of grass growing there.

Apparently it runs in the family.

Big Apple

I have been to New York several times to visit my mother, and several other times on school field trips.
Conclusion: Yikes.

Let me recount my favorite memory from this trip:

On the bus into Harlem to take the Metro North to Connecticut (the bus smells like a mixture of pee and burnt hair) a woman and her son come onto the bus. The boy is about 4, has on a puffy coat and a hat covering his corn rows and he is hitting his mom and screaming. His mom is pulling him into the bus and then stops and starts hitting him back. Holy crap. She is wacking him. And then...ready for this...she says, and I quote (to be read with a ghetto accent)
"I'll cut you if you don't sit down, sit down!"
My first crack whore! Hooray!
Thank you New York for producing some of our nation's finest delinquents and future rap artists.

New Years Plans

My friend's plan for New Year's Eve:

A: i may just hang out in front of Ralph's with a case of beer and see if I can get invited somewhere

PC?

Enjoli: oh and the girl who has deaf signed me the best advice ready for this?

HP takes over the world

Best bumper sticker ever: "Republicans for Voldemort"

Fancy Schmancy

She wore this without a fight.
We have tamed the wild beast!

Make Up Your Mind

My friend's conversation with her boyfriend on babies and non babies:
(please note she is NOT pregnant nor trying, this is hypothetical)


he said, he's cool with termination, so i said, that'll do

and then he was confused

I said that I would probably keep it but if he thinks i killed it, it wouldnt matter.

then he said he wants to be a part of its life

bah!

too late

you wanted me to drown it

boys are so weird

Take It! Please!

I have either reached the age (26) where I look old enough to stop carding or I just look old. I went to Whole Foods yesterday to buy a bottle of wine for my boss and the cashier didn't ask for my I.D. This has been happening more and more frequently at various places.
Now, If I were 35+, obviously I look old enough to buy a bottle of wine...but I am 26! I have a skin care regimen that I do nightly to stay youthful and "card worthy".
So I took it out of my wallet and handed it to her with a "just in case". She looked at me and said "Oh, yeah, thanks"
26 is the new 50.

The Norm

Brandon:

went to the doc this morning

yearly physical

he touched my scrotum as he lectured me on alcohol addiction

the norm

I Make Trees

I am currently making 2 trees.
How awesome is that?

Nightmares

Stress brings on nightmares, and although 99% of my Christmas shopping was done a month ago, I'm still a bundle of nerves (headache, twitchy eye, yelling at strangers, getting mad at Uncle J for eating the last piece of pizza that he bought).
I originally thought it was PMS but it's been going on for a month so I blame it on the holidays.
Once I'm home i'll be fine...but yes...the point to this post:
Stress and nightmares.
Last night I had a nightmare that my sister was kidnapped and somehow I was in an episode of Law & Order or CSI or something of that genre and I turned to them and said "Wait, don't the victims on this show always turn up dead!?!" and yes, they do...so I started freaking out and was probably yelling in my sleep...woke up drenched in sweat terrified that something happened to her.
So I text her in the am and tell her about the dream and ask if she's okay and this is her reply:
"My stomach has been kidnapped by pancakes"
...and that made it all better.
My sisters are adorable.

The horror!

What is it about the holidays that makes everyone send/bake/buy food?
Every time I walk into the kitchen there is something new, Mexican cheesecake, peppermint cookies, boxes of Sees candy, bagels, pecan rolls...etc.
And of course, having no self control around food I have to try EVERYTHING.
Thanks a lot a-holes, now I have to spend twice as long on the treadmill.

Stick People

My Friend: http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Thought you would enjoy even though i hate stick people

Me: ha ha ha, why do you hate stick people?

My Friend: I don't know, it's on my list



What?

Say hello to my little friend

My aunt sent us "grow a Christmas tree" it was a mini potter with soil and seeds.
It is so cute.
I love plants...I have 6 at work (one is adopted from my boss who let it come near death) and 6 at home...crazy plant lady. I guess it's either plants or cats. I chose well.
Anyway, my sister and I decided to have a contest of who could grow the fastest tree.
Here is a picture of mine.
Hers is still just dirt.
Me = 1
Her = 0

Stop! Thief!

I bought some "Skinny Cow" fudge bars a few months ago on my health kick. They tasted like the sort of treat for obese people where they try and pretend that it's just as delicious as a giant chunk of cake but in reality it tastes like a poor man's Dove bar.
But still, there were about $6.00.
Let's do some math (and note, my name is very visibly on the box with a post it note)
I ate 2.
There were 6 in a box.
There is 1 left.
= someone ate 3 of "Cat B's" bars.
That's crap.
And now, someone is drinking my milk.
The milk I use for breakfast...I've had about 3 bowls full...and then it was gone.
This is bull!
There is a giant sign on the fridge that says "Those caught stealing someone else's food will have disciplinary action taken"
C'mon people, I can almost guarantee that everyone on my floor makes more money that I do.
Stop stealing the poor girl with student and car loans up to her chin's milk!
People suck.

Welcome to Loserville

As a result of it being the holidays...and the fact that I'm keeping it mellow and burying my head in a book instead of going out and spending money...I have nothing exciting to blog about.

But I did read a whole book this weekend...and wrapped some presents...and cried over my bank statement (just kidding).

I'll update when something interesting happens...or when I come up with something random that I feel compelled to share.

Give em the old Razzle Dazzle

It is a sad thing when I have to go to LeMonde.fr French news site to learn that Obama is sending 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan...because all of the headlines I have come across on the American sites are about Tiger Woods and his alleged affair and the White House Dinner Crashers.

Thank you France for keeping me updated on my country.

<3

Smushed

We should throw pies instead of fists.
The world would be delicious.

Pie Queen

I baked pies from scratch for Thanksgiving.
Key Lime and Apple.
I zested, squeezed, sliced, diced, sprinkled.
It was glorious.
Then 2 days later I tried making one of those Kraft EZMac cups designed that even a 10 year old can do it, all you have to do is add water and hit some buttons.
I messed it up. No joke.
I must've added too much water even though there is a very obvious fill line...but I ended up with unnaturally orange soup.
Needless to say the pies were a fluke, I am still a disaster in the kitchen.

Tranny Child

I was on shutterfly putting together Nana's Xmas gift when I stumbled upon this lovely sample:

Please note that this is a picture of three young girls...and below them you will see their names.
Cynthia, Steve and Amanda.
I am guessing that what happened here is that Mommy and Daddy wanted 3 girls...they had a boy...named him Steve...but every year in June they want to relive their original dream so Steve puts on a wig and a dress.
I mean...the one in the middle does look a little...Steve-ish.
When I asked my sister 'what's wrong with this picture?'
she "What's wrong is that the child in the middle is a 30 year old man".
That about says it all.

Dating Woes

My friend on her recent poor-luck with men:

"I am not thinking about pie in the sky...i am dealing with 4s and 5s

Dude do i need to date a dwarf?"

Snarfity Snort

I was hanging out with my date Saturday night.
Something funny happened and I laughed so hard I snorted.
"ha ha ha *snort* ha ha oh crap! that did not happen!"
It was a 3rd date...so maybe I racked up enough cool points that we'll hang out again...or maybe I totally blew it with the snort.
I need to learn to tame that habit.

That's when the Dorks come out...

I met up with my friend Patrice to watch the football game and we went to a super townie bar where everyone is somehow an Eagles fan (so naturally I cheered on the Bears...conflict is my middle name).
So I am sitting there observing these people in their natural territory and realize how freaking weird people are.
Not the weird habits/likes/obsessions sort of weird but the 'no social skills because they rarely leave the house' weird.
Here's an example:
The bartender asks a guy what his tab is under...he gives his last name and then realizes that the name isn't on the card...so he proceeds to say "it's the red card".
Well, someone next to him decided that was the gateway to making a funny so he shouts "yes, the red card, put mine on the red card too...he he..he..he.." because that line is not overused at all, and I'm sitting there rolling my eyes at him knowing he's the kind of guy at a restaurant who, when the server comes up and says "Did someone here order a Blue Moon" he says "No but we'll take it" (yes, we've all done it) and then looks at everyone at his table and laughs hysterically and the server has to laugh too because even though she's heard it eight times that day already, she's working for tips...and laughing at dumb jokes = tips.
So anyway, I digress...back to the dude making the obvious unfunny joke
...so THEN this little creepy 4'9'' lady next to him with an Asian accent notices people laughing and she wants in on the deal. She starts shouting "the red card, ha ha ha, put mine on the red card, yeah! put mine on the red card!"(now reread with an Asian accent)...and then people just stopped laughing.
It's so hard watching people make a fool of themselves.
I get embarrassed for them.
And it's not even that I'm particularly cool or smooth but I try to stay away from the obvious train wrecks as much as I can.
Censoring oneself separates the true dorks from the village idiots.
Patrice texted me this morning with "Put mine on the red card."

You Nailed It

I remember in college, my friend Paul's thumbnail fell off in the pool...so I made him a prosthetic nail out of glue.
He wore it.
I just thought I would share that talent with the internet...prosthetic nail maker.
In case anyone is in need, they know where to get one.
There was also a guy in my dorm who decided to shave his legs up to just above the knee so it would look like he was wearing fuzzy shorts. He looked like a satyr.
I miss college.

Slacker!

I have been slacking on my blogging...but really the issue is that nothing funny has happened in the past week...nothing even interesting.
I am, however, newly obsessed with these four lads from the UK. And as of tomorrow I will have seen them 3 times in 2 weeks.
Did someone say...groupie?
But seriously, they rock. And this time next year I won't even be able to afford a ticket to their sold out giant arena...so the fact that currently they only cost $5 a show and I literally end up standing next to them in the club...is pretty sweet.

Viva Las Awesome Hotel Room

Vegas rocked. We stayed at the Wynn and I got the awesome room of white leather, red velvet and Picasso art while everyone else got...pink. That's what happens when you're really nice to the reception people, they give you the bomb-shizzle room.
Let's take a tour:

The view:

The amenities (shower cap, shave gel, mouth wash, q tips, cotton swabs, shoe shine, buff cloth, tooth brush, tooth paste, razor, shampoo, conditioner, 3 soaps, and lotion...I am stocked up)

The TV in my bathroom.

The vanity...where I was vain.

My Jacuzzi tub...where I watched TV.

The sitting area and bed:

The Art:

Ahhhh...that's how to do Vegas. The food and clubs were good too.

Sun Bather

This is freaking cute right? I get to pet this, daily, if I feed her...and if she feels like letting me. Jealous?

Jet Plane

I was out of town all week in Vegas so I have some updates coming soon...

I will leave you with this...we were leaving dinner Tuesday night and some old drunk man comes up in my face and goes "MY NAME IS MUUUUUUUUUD"

I screamed.

The Many Faces of Halloween

Here is the breakdown of my Halloween:

Friday at work I was Aunt Chris

Friday Night I was a Pirate

Saturday Night I was a Flapper.

I blocked out my eyes for anonymity but the giant teeth probably give me away.

Elevator Music

I think an elevator is one of the most awkward places.
You're in this small space with strangers and everyone is trying so hard to look busy without being awkward because the thought of having to acknowledge one another is too stressful to bear.
So instead we read the little safety certificate or check our phones that have no service or watch the numbers climb until we reach our floor and can bolt out of there.
But every once in a while someone you sort of know is in the elevator and you have to say something because otherwise it's rude and the result is always super awkward.
Here is a conversation I overheard this morning between two guys:
"Good Morning"
"Hi"
"That meeting yesterday was really good"
"Yeah it was pretty good"
"Yeah it was probably good because I was on the outside, not directly involved"
"Yeah...because if you're involved it's... different"
"Yeah..."
"Yeah..."
AWKWARD!
So next time you're in an elevator convo, keep it as uncomfortable as possible; comment on the weather, how the weekend was, and throw in tons of pauses and staring at the floor until you hear the *ding* for your floor and can bolt out of there.
It's at least entertaining for those of us "not directly involved"

P P P Poker Face P P Poker Face

Party # 2 on Halloween. A man dressed as Lady Gaga, it was spot on.
He even shaved his legs and wore heels the ENTIRE night.
Now THAT is commitment.

Oscar

This is my godson Oscar.
Ever since his balls got cut off he has been asking for Prada and Jimmy Choo.
His mother encourages him to be himself so for Halloween this year he got a pink purse.
For his birthday I will get him a male stripper.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Does anyone remember that "song" by Baz Luhrmann that came out circa 1999 "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)"?
I thought of one of the lines today as I was getting ready to leave the house. I looked at the thermometer and it read 58 degrees.
I was FREEZING.
I put on pants (they require clothes at my job) a sweater, a jacket, a scarf, and gloves. And I was still a little cold. I got in the car and cranked up the heat and laughed because living in Michigan and Massachusetts, 20 degrees is cold, 58 degrees is practically beach weather. Here in California 58 is near freezing/
Which leads me to the lyric...
"live in California once, but leave before it makes you soft"
I've gotten soft.

Ick

It's amazing how you can have a long relationship with someone, look at them daily, find them attractive...and then you break up.
And now, 3 months later even passing a photo by accident brings up my gag reflex.
Gross.
How many of us reflect back on the past and say "What the hell was I thinking?"

Caution Jagged Screw

I was walking from the Promenade to the Library this weekend and came upon this little act of kindness.
I walked by it and then decided to go back and take a picture because I think sometimes we all need to be reminded that even the littlest things can make a difference.
Kindness does, in fact, exist, sometimes you just have to look.

Candy? For Breakfast?

My Dad loves Halloween.
To show this love he sends my sisters and I a ginormous bag of candy every year.
Typically I horde it in my room, starting with 3 Musketeers and Twix in October and ending with Sweet Tarts in May (they keep longer) and then waiting until next year when I get another batch (because if you eat your weight in chocolate when someone gives it to you, that's being appreciative, when you eat it all when you buy it for yourself, that's being a heifer).
This year, I decided to try and avoid diabetes and am bringing it into work to share (like a big kid).
Naturally I am hiding the Twix and 3 Musketeers in my desk drawer.

Little People

I went to a Halloween/Pumpkin carving block party on Sunday night.
A neighborhood in Manhattan Beach puts on various parties throughout the year and typically hot men and food are involved and they are always a good time.
This party was filled with babies...and dogs. There were little creatures there from 6 weeks old to twelve and my child allergy came out in full force. It's like all of the hot guys who were at the party this summer suddenly decided to reproduce quickly and out popped all these little babies just in time for this party. I must have somehow missed the baby making Kool-Aid (thank goodness)
There's nothing quite like talking to a cute guy and looking over and seeing a leaking 6 week old next to you to serve as a HUGE cock block. If nothing else it is a reminder to always use protection and maybe next time go to a party where the invite reads "21+".
Trick or Treat!

Portrait

My Uncle painted a picture of the Cat.
No it's not a photograph.
Yes everyone in my family is more talented than I am.

On the Catwalk

I put down the camera...and she posed.

Yes, it's time for pictures of the cat again!

Rhine Wine...Fog Horn

There is a fog that is eating my city.
I was driving home from work last night and it was clear skies and sunny and all of a sudden:
A wall of fog.
It was cool, cars disappeared driving into it.
I was expecting giant insects to come through the fog and eat people like in the movie "The Fog" (which I didn't see but read the spoiler for because I'm a wuss) but...nope.
I tried to capture it's creepy awesomeness but my camera is cheap and I was driving so this is what you get.

Creepy right?

Mysterious

I found a sock in my purse this morning.
Now I know what it feels like to be a hooker.

Start your morning with a dose of FABULOUS

Love Today - Mika

Ladies and Gentlemen put on your glittery spandex and sing it with me!