When Your Belly Starts to Quake...

I'm in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and all of the sudden I smell something

...I can't place it

...it's familiar.

..I sniff around the trash

...then the sink

...is it me? No. Hell no.

I turn around and there is Zorro (dog # 2) with a huge grin sitting behind me

I sniff him. Jackpot. What is that? Did he eat garbage and light himself on fire?

No. It DIARRHEA.

Fricking diarrhea. All over his big hairy butt.

I grab some paper towels and start to clean it off like an adult, then I start dry heaving.

The tomato soup and bread I just snacked on, coming up.

I stand over the sink, and I keep dry heaving...Ah!

Think of anything else...rainbow bright...guitar hero...elves. Another heave.

I think "that's it, i'm going to blow chunks in their sink"

I look to the right and see a soap dispenser...I pump it into my hand and shove the soap up my nostrils and breathe deep.

Ok. Under control. I need to get Mc.Poop downstairs and outside before he jumps on the bed.

Mission accomplished.

Wipe, wipe, wipe. 10 more times. Dish soap. Still smells.

I am wiping a DOG'S ASS.

I am DRY HEAVING.

F this. I'm cutting it out. I'm cutting his butt hair.

I NEVER want to be a pet owner, or a mom. Ever.

What did you do tonight? "Oh, played guitar hero, cut diarreah out of a dog's asshole, you?"

I am so allergic to these pups. Like, itchy eyes, runny nose, hives, itching my throat with a toothbrush" allergic.

Did I mention I cut diarrhea out of a DOG'S ASS?

eff my life.