Baby It's Cold Outside

Does anyone remember that "song" by Baz Luhrmann that came out circa 1999 "Everybody's Free (to Wear Sunscreen)"?
I thought of one of the lines today as I was getting ready to leave the house. I looked at the thermometer and it read 58 degrees.
I was FREEZING.
I put on pants (they require clothes at my job) a sweater, a jacket, a scarf, and gloves. And I was still a little cold. I got in the car and cranked up the heat and laughed because living in Michigan and Massachusetts, 20 degrees is cold, 58 degrees is practically beach weather. Here in California 58 is near freezing/
Which leads me to the lyric...
"live in California once, but leave before it makes you soft"
I've gotten soft.

Ick

It's amazing how you can have a long relationship with someone, look at them daily, find them attractive...and then you break up.
And now, 3 months later even passing a photo by accident brings up my gag reflex.
Gross.
How many of us reflect back on the past and say "What the hell was I thinking?"

Caution Jagged Screw

I was walking from the Promenade to the Library this weekend and came upon this little act of kindness.
I walked by it and then decided to go back and take a picture because I think sometimes we all need to be reminded that even the littlest things can make a difference.
Kindness does, in fact, exist, sometimes you just have to look.

Candy? For Breakfast?

My Dad loves Halloween.
To show this love he sends my sisters and I a ginormous bag of candy every year.
Typically I horde it in my room, starting with 3 Musketeers and Twix in October and ending with Sweet Tarts in May (they keep longer) and then waiting until next year when I get another batch (because if you eat your weight in chocolate when someone gives it to you, that's being appreciative, when you eat it all when you buy it for yourself, that's being a heifer).
This year, I decided to try and avoid diabetes and am bringing it into work to share (like a big kid).
Naturally I am hiding the Twix and 3 Musketeers in my desk drawer.

Little People

I went to a Halloween/Pumpkin carving block party on Sunday night.
A neighborhood in Manhattan Beach puts on various parties throughout the year and typically hot men and food are involved and they are always a good time.
This party was filled with babies...and dogs. There were little creatures there from 6 weeks old to twelve and my child allergy came out in full force. It's like all of the hot guys who were at the party this summer suddenly decided to reproduce quickly and out popped all these little babies just in time for this party. I must have somehow missed the baby making Kool-Aid (thank goodness)
There's nothing quite like talking to a cute guy and looking over and seeing a leaking 6 week old next to you to serve as a HUGE cock block. If nothing else it is a reminder to always use protection and maybe next time go to a party where the invite reads "21+".
Trick or Treat!

Portrait

My Uncle painted a picture of the Cat.
No it's not a photograph.
Yes everyone in my family is more talented than I am.

On the Catwalk

I put down the camera...and she posed.

Yes, it's time for pictures of the cat again!

Rhine Wine...Fog Horn

There is a fog that is eating my city.
I was driving home from work last night and it was clear skies and sunny and all of a sudden:
A wall of fog.
It was cool, cars disappeared driving into it.
I was expecting giant insects to come through the fog and eat people like in the movie "The Fog" (which I didn't see but read the spoiler for because I'm a wuss) but...nope.
I tried to capture it's creepy awesomeness but my camera is cheap and I was driving so this is what you get.

Creepy right?

Mysterious

I found a sock in my purse this morning.
Now I know what it feels like to be a hooker.

Start your morning with a dose of FABULOUS

Love Today - Mika

Ladies and Gentlemen put on your glittery spandex and sing it with me!

Word-O-Day- Pugnacious

I've had "pugnacious" in my head all week...so here is a vocab lesson:

Pugnacious:

Pronunciation: \ˌpəg-ˈnā-shəs\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin pugnac-, pugnax, from pugnare to fight

: having a quarrelsome or combative nature

and there you go. Learn it, use it, love it.

Eat a Burrito- CHECK!

I love making "to-do" lists because my brain is all over the place and if I don't write it down on a post-it immediately, I will completely forget and then suddenly during the 3am pee break I will remember but be too groggy to seek out a pen.
Therefore, I keep a list.
I think crossing things off a list is one of those little guilty pleasures in life that makes you think "yeah, I did something today other than feed myself, I rock".
And because I'm addicted to feeling accomplished I find myself adding things to my list after I have completed them because I want to cross off that I did it, part of the plan or not.
My list this week is:
Housewarming gift for Patrice
Buy denim leggings (my legs are too skinny for skinny jeans)
Buy brownie mix
Make Nana's Xmas gift
Groceries-done!
Buy stamps-done!
Find Halloween costume in closet
Vaccuum (this will stay on the list for weeks)
then I added (after the fact)...
Mail package - check!
Mail Aunt C's bday card- check!
Go to the gym- check!
Charge Ipod- check!
See? 4 extra things that I get to pat myself on the back for.
Does anyone else do this or am I just a little bit on the crazy side?

Blame it on the Tetons

I ate this once.
Just thought I would share a random example of my gluttony.

Grilled Cheese

This is why she used to bite me.

Disco Inferno

All around the world people get their tanning fixes on beaches, in their backyards, and in tanning beds.
Here in lovely L.A. we say eff that.
We're going to get our tan on at Starbucks.
I snapped this gem on my way to a Dodger game.

Escargot

I ate a snail. It was gross. It looked like the genitalia of a gnome.

In The Wild

I think I just swallowed a piece of pizza whole.
I have been so busy at work I didn't have time to eat and my stomach kept making those creepy "feed me" growls that EVERYONE can hear. I was about to make a trip to the vending machine when I spotted free pizza in the kitchen.
I had 10 minutes to make a deadline and get my butt to a meeting so I ravaged the poor piece of pizza. I didn't even have time to do the "free pizza happy dance"
It was like a lion on a zebra.
It didn't stand a chance.
I have no clue what type of pizza it was...I think there was chicken involved.
All I know is my stomach is no longer yelling at me and I met the deadline.
The End.

Really?

Seriously? Who the hell buys this?
Not only does it look absurd and no one without brain damage would attempt to rock it but imagine making out with someone and they go to put their hands through your hair and pull out this giant plastic arc.
Cock-block.
It makes you look like a cone-head.
If any of you own this, there is a trailer in Alabama with your name on it.

Undercover

I was in sales meetings all week for work, staying at a hotel 2 miles away from my house (I REALLY love hotels) and since it was raining all week and I was inside all week I had no idea what the temperature was like in the outside world.
Friday I get invited to the Dodgers/Phillies game and so I go straight from work to the game.
It is 102 degrees at the stadium.
I'm wearing tall black boots, black leggings, a black dress, and a black jacket that I can't take off because it has put black lint all over me and I look like a sasquatch with super fuzzy armpits.
I looked like a ninja.
So, needless to say I was severely dehydrated (they ran out of water, I was ready to drink from the toilet...gross) and sweating.
Oh but the bonus was, we got to sit next to the loudest man in the park who was wearing the UGLIEST croc-tiva-hybrid shoes with blue toenails and a gold toe ring and he kept putting his feet on this guys chair (and then got mad every time the guy asked him nicely to move them)...and his wife the Hippopotamus with boob sweat.
Gotta love Dodger fans.

Stay Puft

My Ghostbusters cherry was popped at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
There was a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
(which Enjoli and I blasted with our dematerializers...yeah I know the lingo now...I'm hip)
and a bunch of attractive people on blankets.
They raised 8,000 lbs of food for the hungry.
Enjoli pointed out an ironic little tid-bit:
Here we are at a "Feed LA's Hungry" gig and we're all stuffing our faces with potato balls and meat pies. Take that starving people...you get canned beets, we get meat pies. Suckers!
Yum. Potato balls.

You Know You're a Redneck When...

Brandon: so i have now gone #2 in a Port-o-Potty outside a Nascar Race

how's that for an accomplishment

me: oh gosh that is so white trash

Delectable

I spotted that delectable creature on the side of a building and my cheap camera loves me so much it captured it while I was driving (don't try that at home kids).

It reads "Beware Giant Robots"

Taxi Drivers in L.A.

"No worries, sir, you relax, i'll drive myself"

Cat Nap

Because we all love our own pet more than anyone else cares about our pet.
Here are some pictures.

Evil acrobat.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that no birds would be visiting that house...seeing as we're indoors.

BLINK

Enjoli scored us tickets to the Blink 182 concert.
It rocked.
It was a funny experience though, I saw them back in the day when I was about...14, in the mosh pit, sweaty, rocking out, probably delirious from dehydration. Seeing them in present time I was on the V.I.P. balcony with a bottled water and ear plugs looking down over the 14 year old versions of me.
It's very rare that 26 feels old, but on that particular occasion while pulling out my purple ear plugs from their protective case, peering over the balcony onto the floor of angry teens I felt about 80.
14, 26, or 80 the show was amazing and they played all my favs. It was a welcomed blast from the past (and all 3 are still super hot)

Dating in L.A.

Here is an example of dating in L.A. told through the experiences of my friend Enjoli:
Friday night
She goes to a bar...meets a nice guy...his name is Oscar...hmm...that's her dog's name...that won't work. What does he do? He supervises the making of hot pockets.
Yes, hot pockets. And just in case she didn't believe him? He had sauce on his shoe and showed her.
No thank you, NEXT!
Saturday night
We go to a bar after the Blink 182 concert. A guy approaches her right away. My gay-dar went up. Fedora hat...button down shirt...acts like a gay man, except he's hitting on her like no one's business. So they have a good conversation, he's cute, not gay, they exchange #'s.
She gets a text at 3 am "Hey sexy lady".
3 am booty call text from the gay-not-gay man.
No thank you, NEXT!
I would love to say that these are rare occurrences but they're not. Gay men are straight, straight men are guy, and some just want to show you their sauce.
On the bright side, Gerard Butler was standing right next to us while we ate dinner Saturday night. Hot. Hot hot hot.

Call It What You Want to Call It

I had a dream/nightmare last night and it was so completely odd that I feel the need to share with whoever it is that reads this:
My car got stolen and I am completely stressed out and somehow magically transported to the end of the street on which I grew up...and it's nighttime...and I somehow have to walk to wherever my destination is.
Suddenly all of my old neighbors are at the "bus stop" aka end of the street on which I grew up. And here I am all stressed because I have to somehow walk to this undisclosed destination...and the ta daaa...my knight in shining armor shows up to help.
Carrot Top...on stilts...dressed as a clown.
In my brain, that is my knight in shining armor.
No, I don't do drugs.
What neuron in my brain decided that would be a good thing to dream about?
He walked with me...on his stilts...to a taping of a show where we ate craft services on a picnic table and I woke up before I could talk him into buying me a car.
As if Carrot Top is not scary enough on his own...add stilts...and a clown costume.
I need therapy.

Shrek in Drag

My friend booked the gazebo at the hotel for her wedding. The hotel decided to squeeze in another wedding an hour before my friend's wedding which was somewhat stressful for a second but luckily my friend kept completely calm (best bride ever).
Around 4:00 we were outside checking out the area and bride #1 arrives.
Holy crap. She looked like an ogre ex con in drag.
Yes, maybe it makes me shallow, but this girl was...wow. Scary.
She wore this off-white halter bridal gown that didn't fit her large lumpy body...the top was hanging off and she had the angriest, scariest ogre face. It looked like she bought her wedding dress at Dots or had a 3rd grade home-ec student make it.
Now before everyone gets all "looks aren't everything"...
Nicole (bride) was getting her pictures taken and the ogre-bride walks by in the shot, so Nicole says "Congratulations!"
The Ogre looks at her as if Nicole had just killed a puppy and ate it's heart out and says "thanks!" and rushes off in a huff. No "thanks you too", no smile. Just an angry "i'm not pretty like you and I hate my life 'thanks'.
That poor groom. Even her bridesmaids were like "She's so mean".
It makes you think, how desperate do you have to be to tie the knot with that creature. How much do you have to hate yourself to say "yeah, I'm waking up to that every morning because I hate myself". Did you kill kittens as a child? Light ants on fire?
Ogre Bride. Rawr.
(She looked exactly like that drawing above, not joking)

Jack the Tire Slasher

I was in a wedding this weekend in Arizona. I drove out because it was cheaper to do so and I knew it would be helpful to have an extra car.
The wedding was Saturday so we set up the reception hall Friday p.m.
We were there about an hour, it looked amazing, we get in the car and start heading home.
I make it two feet.
Thunk thunk thunkthunkthunk.
"I think I have a flat tire"
"I think you do too"
"&@*&^$&, I always get flats &*#*&(@"
So these two older gents from the hotel come help me put my donut on. I am staying calm so as not to freak out the bride but I am all
"I'm taking this car to the dealer, this is my fourth flat, rah rah rah defective car rah rah rah blah blibbity"
The bride walks back to the hotel to see if her mom can follow us home.
They also have a flat.
So does the car next to them.
And the one next to them.
5 cars total. 1 flat per.
Now, this is Prescott Valley. Cowboy bars and dessert. Not a crime place.
So we have to bring the cops into it and file a police report.
HOT COP. HOT HOT COP.
There's another couple that parked across the way that had their golf clubs "stolen"
They were in their 60's probably, classy couple, wealthy and DRUNKITY DRUNK.
The wife is all "I'm a writer, I will write a bad review about this hotel"
Cop: "Are there any broken windows? Sign of entry?"
Wife: "No, but the golf clubs are gone! And I'm a writer!"
The way we see it, they got drunk and homeslice left his clubs on the greens.

The next morning I get a new tire and the wedding goes through beautifully.
All in all a great weekend...other than Jack the Tire Slasher on the loose.
Hooligans!

Bbbbballllllssss

It is so cold in my office right now, If I had balls, they would've fallen off.

Dun Duuuh Duuuu Duuuuuuuun

I am the maid of honor in my friend's wedding on Saturday. Taking myself on a 7 hour road trip to Arizona this afternoon.
Dress: Check! Shoes: Check! Jewelry: Check! Speech: Check!
An extra suitcase filled with more clothing than any one weekend would ever require: Check!
I'm ready to rock & roll.

Wii Fit Plus

I went to a "work-out" event Tuesday night.
It was for the new Wii Fit Plus coming out soon.
My fabulous friend told me to show up and take a class, so of course, I did.
I had no idea what to expect...a workout class on a Wii balance board, at a venue? restaurant?
Nope, there is an actual GYM just for Wii Fit. There are TVs lined up on a wall next to eachother, mats, and a wii fit board.
It was an odd experience flailing around next to strangers (one game you're actually a bird and have to flap your arms...who is the cool kid? I am), but a lot of fun!
I got a sweet Wii Jacket, water bottle, and worked out next to this guy:


And this guy:

All in all, an excellent use of my time.